What Is Self-Regulation? A Guide for Women, ADHD Adults, and Couples

Written By Susan Gulka

Have you ever found yourself saying something in the heat of the moment that you later regretted? Or maybe you notice you get overwhelmed easily and struggle to come back to a calm place. Whether you’re navigating life with ADHD, feeling overloaded as a woman juggling many roles, or stuck in the same old arguments with your partner—self-regulation might be the missing link.

In my work offering counseling for women, ADHD treatment for adults, and couples therapy in Lake Oswego, I’ve seen how learning to self-regulate can be a game-changer for emotional health and relationship satisfaction. So let’s break it down—what is self-regulation, why does it matter, and how can you actually do it?

What Is Self-Regulation, Really?

Self-regulation is your ability to manage your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors in a way that aligns with your values—even when things get tough. It's not about ignoring your feelings or pretending everything’s fine. It’s about responding instead of reacting.

When you’re dysregulated, you might feel:

  • Overwhelmed or anxious

  • Quick to anger or frustration —0 to 60 in a heartbeat!

  • Shut down or numb

  • Like your emotions are running the show - feeling volatile

For adults with ADHD, this can look like big, impulsive outbursts, racing thoughts, or even difficulty transitioning from one thing to another. Maybe you notice you are “short” with your kids, coworkers or partner. For couples, it can mean escalating conflict when trying to make your point, or emotionally withdrawing when overwhelmed. For women who are often carrying emotional labor, it might mean running on empty, sleeping little, and maybe exhaustion that can lead to burnout and resentment.

The good news? Self-regulation is a skill, not a personality trait. You can build it!

The Many Forms of Self-Regulation

Let’s look at some of the ways you can regulate your nervous system and emotional state:

1. Physical Regulation

  • Deep breathing (box breathing, 4-7-8)

  • Gentle movement or stretching

  • Walking in nature

  • Staying hydrated and well-fed

  • Getting enough sleep

    I often hear people say to these, “I know, I know…” but they are actually proven to work and calm the nervous system.

2. Mental Regulation

  • Reframing unhelpful thoughts

  • Mindfulness or meditation

  • Journaling to process feelings

  • Cognitive strategies from CBT

    With these, you need time to reflect on what is dysregulating you, so that you can determine what you need. Remember, any of these things are meant to calm the nervous system.

3. Emotional Regulation

  • Identifying and naming your emotions

  • Allowing feelings to exist without judgment

  • Using self-compassion

  • Talking with a trusted friend or therapist

    Many of us were not taught as kids to pay attention to our emotions, we were taught to “behave” instead and stiff the emotions. So now it’s time to learn what we are feeling so that we know what to do with those feelings.

4. Sensory Regulation (great for ADHD)

  • Weighted blankets

  • Fidget tools

  • Soothing music or nature sounds

  • Aromatherapy (lavender, eucalyptus)

    Yes these things work for adults too!

5. Behavioral Regulation

  • Taking a pause before responding — If we could ALL do this…!

  • Walking away to regroup during conflict

  • Setting boundaries ahead of time

  • Having routines that support calm

You don’t need to do all of these. Start with one or two that feel accessible, interesting to you, or “doable.” And begin with practice.

How to Implement Self-Regulation in Real Life

Here’s the thing—knowing what to do is different from being able to do it when you’re activated. That’s where practice comes in.

Try this: Before a tough conversation, take 3 slow breaths and remind yourself of your goal: to connect, not to win.

When you feel yourself getting worked up, ask: What am I feeling? What do I need right now?

Keep a "calm kit" nearby—maybe it's a journal, a fidget, a playlist, or a reminder note to take a walk. These small moves can shift your whole day.

The Benefits of Strengthening Self-Regulation

When you build this skill, the ripple effects are huge in your own life, your stress level, and in the harmony of your relationships:

For ADHD adults:

  • Fewer impulsive decisions or outbursts

  • Easier transitions between tasks

  • More confidence and peace

For women:

  • Less emotional overload

  • More balanced caregiving - give and take and rest

  • Greater sense of self and feeling centered

For couples:

  • Fewer fights and faster repair

  • Deeper emotional intimacy

  • Better communication and teamwork

You don’t have to be perfect—just curious and committed. Many of my clients tell me they feel more in control of their emotions and their daily lives, and more connected with those around them after learning these tools.

How Therapy Supports Self-Regulation

This isn’t something you have to figure out on your own. In my practice as a therapist in Lake Oswego, I help clients:

  • Identify their triggers and patterns

  • Learn calming tools that work for them

  • Heal the deeper wounds that fuel dysregulation

Whether you're seeking counseling in Lake Oswego for yourself or with your partner, or looking for adult ADHD treatment, therapy can offer the space, support, and strategies to build true emotional strength.

Ready to Feel More in Control?

If you’re tired of feeling out of control or stuck in the same conflict patterns, you’re not alone. I help women, couples, and adults with ADHD in Lake Oswego find real tools and deep healing. Let’s talk—Click here to schedule a consultation today.

You are not too much. You are not broken. You just need better tools—and a little support.

Susan Gulka
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