Couples Communication—In-the-Moment
I often notice that couples, despite working really hard to understand themselves and each other, will often share knowledge about themselves and expect their partner to know it and “use it” in the next interaction. For example, “You should know that I need you to phrase things in this way,” or “This is what I need and you have to remember that in our next interaction/fight.” Couples want their partners to “know” them, and therefore predict each time what to do for them or say to them.
Yes, that is great. But what I have found in my experience in helping couples is that this is still a way of not fully communicating in the moment. It is setting up a “rule” that your partner is expected to follow each time. In the moment means you don’t walk away or react if your partner is getting it wrong. It means you stay in the conversation to keep telling your partner what you need, or to ask what is going on for them, that is causing them to react the way they are. And, my friend, this is expecting YOU to continue to grow and communicate better, not just put the onus on your partner! And this style of communication creates more of a Ping-Pong sharing of thoughts, an Interaction, a back and forth sharing of ideas. That IS communication.
So let me give you a simple example.
Let’s say you have asked your partner to give you a kiss goodbye in the morning, or at the least, not walk out without saying goodbye. You have told them to do this, that you want for them to do this if they care about you. And they still are not following your suggestion!
Your partner continues to forget, or maybe even gives you a half hearted effort in the morning, more like a grunt goodbye. And you get mad. And you lecture when they get home for the day about how you told them what to do. @#$%!
Instead, I encourage you to communicate “in-the-moment” (until maybe it becomes more of a habit). This looks like: 1) stopping them in the morning, and YOU reaching out and saying “Goodbye, I love you.” AND 2) Telling them, in-the-moment, why this is important to you (i.e. share your FEELINGS). “Goodbye snookums, I love you. I really love wishing each other well as we start our days; I feel closer to you all day long.”
Or let’s say that you’re upset with something your partner is doing. You're lying in bed at 10pm and your partner has their phone volume turned up while scrolling social media. You have told them before you hate this. This time, check in with yourself – Why am I annoyed? Why am I frustrated? This helps you ask for specific, in the in-the-moment changes: “When your volume is turned up on your phone videos, it distracts me and that is frustrating for me.”
Here is the key. Your partner is much more likely to WANT to respond to your feelings. They do not necessarily want to just “stop it” for no reason. They may have a good reason for doing what they are doing.
Which is also helpful! So be curious. “Hey hon, I notice the volume is turned up on your phone. Do you need it that high? I am genuinely curious.” Here you are trying to get more information. So that you can try to solve the problem. But you can’t solve the problem if you are not sharing feelings in-the-moment.
Ok many of you might be saying “I have tried communicating that way and my partner then gets annoyed or frustrated.” Yes, that could happen, especially if you are entrenched in a certain way of interacting. If you both are willing to give each other a few moments of trying to understand one another, you can work together to solve the problem. If your partner gets annoyed by your request to have a kiss in the morning, or to have the volume turned down on their phone, a bigger conversation could be needed to help them understand why communicating with them more clearly is actually helpful for your relationship. Try to get them on board too, because if they can be specific about what they want and need, you will be better able to meet their needs too. WIN, WIN!!!!
If you are having communication struggles in your relationship, and you can’t seem to get the results you want, I would love to help you create a strong and fulfilling relationship. I do Couples Counseling in Lake Oswego. You can go right to my Contact Page to schedules a free 20-minute consultation. You deserve to have the level of communication that you want in your relationship, so that you can experience MORE connectedness and harmony than ever!