Many of my clients in Lake Oswego have benefited from a crucial concept I encountered during my training: the difference between responding and reacting. Let’s explore this idea using a common scenario.

Reacting to Emotional Triggers

Imagine your partner or a close friend does something that upsets you. Perhaps they forget an important date, criticize your stress levels, your parenting, or compare your fitness habits unfavorably with others. Your immediate reaction is emotional—your blood boils, and you snap back. You might say something sharp or raise your voice to defend yourself. This reaction is instinctive and impulsive, driven by your first flush of emotion.

Common Triggers and Reactions

Common emotional triggers include feeling disrespected, misunderstood, or not valued. When these triggers are activated, it's natural to react defensively. This might manifest as arguing, withdrawing, or even shutting down in conversation. Each of these reactions, while understandable, often worsens the situation, pushing resolution further out of reach.

The Downside of Knee-Jerk Reactions

Reactions are swift and intense. While it might feel right to stand up for yourself in the heat of the moment, reacting without thought can escalate conflicts. This approach often overlooks the broader context and fails to consider the other person's perspective or feelings.

How Reactions Can Damage Relationships

Quick reactions can create a cycle of conflict, making it harder to resolve underlying issues. They can also lead to regret and resentment, potentially damaging trust and intimacy over time.

Choosing to Respond Thoughtfully in Therapy

What if, instead of reacting, you chose to respond? Responding differs significantly as it involves a deliberate pause to think before acting.

The Power of a Thoughtful Response

When you respond, you take a moment to assess your feelings and the situation. This pause allows you to consider the impact of your words or actions. By responding, you engage in the conversation with clarity and intention, leading to more constructive and calm communication. For example, instead of snapping back, you might take a breath, calmly express how the comment made you feel, or ask a clarifying question to understand your partner’s viewpoint better.

Techniques for Thoughtful Responses

1. Mindfulness: Stay present in the moment. This helps in recognizing when you’re reacting and switching to a response.

2. Active Listening: Focus on understanding the other person's point of view without planning your rebuttal as they speak.

3. Emotional Regulation: Learn to manage your emotions through techniques like deep breathing, counting to ten, or temporarily stepping away if needed.

Benefits of Responding Over Reacting

Choosing to respond rather than react can transform your communications into more positive and fulfilling interactions. This approach helps in de-escalating potential conflicts and fosters a deeper understanding and respect between individuals.

Building Stronger Bonds Through Response

By consistently choosing to respond thoughtfully, you cultivate an environment of mutual respect and understanding. This strengthens relationships and can make them more resilient to future stresses.

If you feel that you are struggling with your reactions in your life, especially in your relationships, I would love to help. I am a counselor in Lake Oswego, OR and I work with individuals and partners in relationships who get triggered easily and don’t know why. Let’s learn new ways to respond, so that you can have the harmony in your relationships that you need. Contact me for a free consultation at susan@heartwise-counseling.com