Introduction:

Marriages in which one or both partners have ADHD can be extremely challenging — from communication styles, to how each of you feel loved, to planning and organizing your lives so that everyday tasks get accomplished.

As a therapist in Lake Oswego, specializing in couples counseling and ADHD, I understand the challenges couples face when navigating these dynamics. Let’s identify some of the biggest struggles I see with couples affected by ADHD.

How ADHD Can Create Communication Challenges in Relationships

Good communication is often a significant struggle for couples affected by ADHD. A person with a neurotypical brain versus a person with a non-neurotypical (ADHD) brain operate very differently, and thus communication can be a key area of misalignment. Things such as forgetfulness, interrupting, and distractions can cause breakdowns in communication and need to be addressed.

In addition, how partners interpret each other’s motives can cause struggles. The ADHD partner can feel as if the non-ADHD partner is nagging them, or “controlling” them. The non-ADHD partner might feel like they are not very important to their partner because, due to ADHD, the other partner is not able to focus on the non-ADHD partner’s words, needs, or wishes, leaving the non-ADHD partner feeling alone and abandoned. Good communication skills can prevent or address these struggles so that each partner feels seen and heard.

Managing Household Responsibilities: Balancing Daily Tasks When ADHD Is in the Mix

ADHD can lead to conflicts over household chores because often organization, planning, and prioritizing can be difficult for a person with ADHD, as these executive functions are often affected. It is essential for partners to set clear expectations and to determine together how responsibilities are shared or split, what are the standards for those daily tasks, and what is the structure to ensure follow through. Thus, good communication skills are important here as well and knwoing where each of your strengths lie will allow you to divide and conquer in a way that works for both of you. You might also need a follow up plan, or follow through plan so that all tasks get complete!

The Emotional Rollercoaster: Navigating ADHD-Related Mood Swings as a Couple

It is helpful to understand here that ADHD is not just considered an attention struggle. ADHD is really a regulation challenge—meaning that it is difficult to regulate, yes attention, but also moods. Often, people with ADHD can get overstimulated very easily, or maybe they struggle with shifting gears. So this can at times cause them to feel agitated. And agitation can lead to moodiness as they try to figure out what they need in any given moment when outside stimulus is wreaking havoc on their brain. Understanding this dynamic will allow each partner to communicate feelings and needs, and each understand the other.

How ADHD Affects Intimacy and Connection in Romantic Relationships

Along with the previous example, when a partner with ADHD has trouble with regulation, intimacy and connection can be affected. Think of the differing ways that partners experience closeness — doing things together, showing affection, expressing love, partnering on projects. In partnerships where one has ADHD and one does not, it takes some extra communication and deeper understanding to work through how much affection, activity and expression are wanted or desired by each person. Taking time to get to know one another on a deeper level will help with understanding one another and working together to help each other feel fulfilled. In addition, intimacy needs can vary and also take time to understand that one person is not right or wrong. Deciding how will do you come together to meet each other’s needs is the key.

The Gifts of ADHD Affect Relationships Too

Having ADHD can also be a tremendous gift, despite the struggles that can come with it! Many people with ADHD have extraordinary creative talents, are passionate go-getters, have enviable entrepreneurial gifts, and/or can have deeply sensitive and contemplative energies that benefit the world in ways beyond measure. Couples can benefit from each partner knowing their strengths and playing to those strengths in how they share responsibilities in life and how they express themselves. This strength based approach can make communicating about difficulties that much easier to address.

Why Seeking Help from a Therapist in Lake Oswego Can Make All the Difference

If you are finding some of these struggles in your own relationship, it can be of tremendous value to have a counselor or therapist to help you navigate these topics in a way that doesn’t create more fighting and chaos. A counselor or therapist in Lake Oswego can help you and your partner to develop coping strategies, improve communication, and rebuild connection.

If you’re navigating ADHD in your relationship, a skilled therapist in Lake Oswego can help you find balance and harmony. Contact me today to schedule a consultation and start your journey toward a more connected, supportive partnership.